School has started. Well, at least for the staff and it is just about to kick into high gear when the children are back and we are preparing to start work again. Another year of challengers ahead. Phew.

It was a weekend of reunions.

Saturday
Met up with 3 of the friends i'be known for the longest time. It all started with a cryptic sms from an unfamiliar telephone number which said "Hi, this is your long lost friend. Call me to find out who i am.". When i received that sms, the first thing that came into my mind was these two girls whom i have known since primary school and have since lost contact with (i've kept more or less in contact with the third). Anyway, apart from being primary schoolmates, we were also neighbours in the same condo estate and i still have fond memories of us 4 girls going swimming, having picnics and playing batminton together. Now, each of us have different careers (one working in HP, one working in SIM, one doctor training to be an eye specialist and of course, me) and two are getting married in 2004. It was great to finally catch up with them again and we had a nice long girly lunch at camden medical centre (no prizes for guessing who made the recommendation *grins*).

Thank you for trying to so hard to find me again. It was nice to be found, my "long lost friend". :)

Sunday
It must have been in the stars that this past weekend would be one filled with reunion. I was just walking around in Bugis with him when suddenly, out of nowhere, a girl tapped me on my shoulder as i walked passed her and called out my name. For the life of me, i couldn't quite remember her name though i knew we were in the same JC together (strangely though, i can remember my primary schoolmates names). Well, she certainly recognized me and him (we came from the same fac and the same JC) and there and then, she told us about my JC class reunion that was happening on the very evening itself! I remembered the last time i saw any of my JC classmates were before i went overseas for my Masters which was more than 5 years ago! It was another wonderful reunion with old friends and to finally what happened to each and everyone after our A levels. Several had become teachers, one is a lawyer, one in advertising, one works in Kino and one has become a mother of two daughters. Gossips were exchanged and time was spent talking about our school days. Time flies and it's nice to see everyone happy and doing well.

Now that i have re-establish contacts with these old friends, i hope to maintain it more diligently this time.

A rainy xmas day.
Use a little more imagination, and you may think that it is snowing.
I wish i can tuck myself in with a cup of hot tea and a good book.
Instead, i have to get ready to attend a xmas party.

Xmas eve.
Was supposed to be at a party with friends at... embargo?
I can't really remember.
In the end, i didn't go.
And Xmas eve was just another night,
except for the silly tv specials
with leftover lunch for dinner.
Yet, it was a pretty good night.

You are a pegasus.
You have a sweet, loving personality, and it's hard
not to love you. Just don't let people walk
all over you too much.
Pesasus are known for their free spirits.


Mythical Creatures
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Received my first two xmas presents on the 23rd. One of them was a bracelet from my colleague and the other was a pair of ear rings from snow. Thank you both! And so ashamed for not giving out any xmas presents, primarily because i don't celebrate xmas. Yikes. Maybe chinese new year? *sheepish grin* Anyway, thank you girls, you really made my day. :)

Merry xmas to everyone.

Watched Chestnuts.
Expectations Met.
Truly Enjoyable.
Good Work.
Well Done.
Clap Clap.

:)

A conversation sparked off a web search on this:

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When I am an old woman, I shall wear purple by Jenny Joseph

When I am an old woman, I shall wear purple
with a red hat that doesn't go, and doesn't suit me.
And I shall spend my pension on brandy and summer gloves
and satin candles, and say we've no money for butter.
I shall sit down on the pavement when I am tired
and gobble up samples in shops and press alarm bells
and run my stick along the public railings
and make up for the sobriety of my youth.
I shall go out in my slippers in the rain
and pick the flowers in other people's gardens
and learn to spit.

You can wear terrible shirts and grow more fat
and eat three pounds of sausages at a go
or only bread and pickles for a week
and hoard pens and pencils and beer nuts and things in boxes.

But now we must have clothes that keep us dry
and pay our rent and not swear in the street
and set a good example for the children.
We must have friends to dinner and read the papers.
But maybe I ought to practice a little now?
So people who know me are not too shocked and surprised
When suddenly I am old, and start to wear purple.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Suddenly, I feel like wearing purple.

Am watching CHESTNUTS tonight with some friends.
Hopefully it will be entertaining.
I have rather high expectations of it.

I am reading stories of other people's lives and i thought.. how wonderful, how interesting, how beautiful, how sad. Sometimes their lives mirrored my own and i can feel the pinch of memories passed. Other times, i looked on, a stranger in another world of different sensations and colours. I drift in and out of these little circles of other people's memories and experiences, alternating between standing beside the eye of the storm and looking from far yonder. Drawn to some and alienated by others.

What stories do i have to tell of my own life? How many would drift into my circle and linger there without me knowing? How many would watch from afar, uncomprehending of my circle of colours and sensations?

I grew a garden once, filled with different smells, tastes, textures and colours. Some colours had bedazzled me. Some smells had made me puke. Thorns had pricked my fingers and petals had cushioned my falls. Not all flowers and thorns were of my own devices. Some are carefully cultivated in the greenhouse. But I have also planted some seeds that i have no recollection of planting. Ghostly figures had tried to pick one or two blooms for their own. Presences that, at time i was conscious of, other times not. Some i let in on my own, others drifted in by themselves.

I wished i have words to express all i'm feeling.

Some days just make you realized that you are no longer 17 but really, 27 going on to 37.

You can't be rush and hasty and immature any longer.
And you will have less time to get over regrets and decisions made on impulse.
No more doing before thinking.
And everything to do with thinking before doing.
Having to be more self-conscious and realized that you are expected to take responsibilities of whatever you do and say.
If not to others, but also to yourself.
No more excuses about the ignorance of youth.
You have passed 'youth' by a long mile... and a half.
You may hate it, but its the fact.
The earlier you reconcile with the fact, the easier the passage into true "adulthood".

Someone just give me a sedative, knock me out and carry me over that threshold, please.

Congratulations! You're Legolas!


Which Lord of the Rings character and personality problem are you?
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Well.. he has got good skin and good hair.. so i really can't complain..
But the ears.... *whine*

I always feel quite disorientated after coming back to singapore from overseas, no matter how long or short the trip was. Things change here so rapidly, it takes a while to get into the flow of things again. Friends seemed to have moved further downstream and i needed sometime to find them again and keep up.

While i was away, good friend's grandmom passed away. It felt terrible not being able to be there for someone you care about when they need you. Yet, when i'm home, i'm not quite able to say the things i wanted to say, and seemed too cut off from her grief already to be able to help.

So i'm back home, and only the island of my home remained as always, unchanged.

He burnt a CD of some of the shots taken on the trip. (thanks!)
On top of that, there is another 8-9 rolls of films.
Looking forward to see those as well.
Will post some up after i look through them.

Just thought that LOTR was wonderful.
Why?
I don't know why.
I just LIKED it, OK?

Am too much of a ditz to dissect a film.

Thought the movie felt seamless unlike those choppy sequels where you have no idea how the heck did Part III ended BEHIND Part II's ass.

Hmm.

Not sure if that came out right.

Well, i adore the hobbits and the elves and spectacular effects.
Perhaps i should plan a trip to new zealand instead.
Ya.
Join the LOTR-"Come see where it's done" tour.
Maybe the air will improve the condition of my skin.
Look how clear everyone's skin is in the film.
Ya. Even Gandalf. 'Cept for the wrinkles.

Watched LOTR last night and the movie finished around 1am.
Slept at 2am and now i am back at work after my holidays.
Actually was suppose to be on leave but heck, why laze around at home when i can laze around in school and get PAID?
Ok.
People who know where i work, you can stop calling my office and telling my boss what i have just said.

Actually i am at work because there are WORK to be done.
And the occasional blogs to write.
Emails to read.
Sites to surf.
Naps to take...
Oops.
Work to do.

Besides, i need to carry over some Annual Leave for next year.
Am planning to go Canada. :)

I think it is better this way because, then i can forget.
At least i think so.

Realization no. 56:

Drafts are not permanent.

Catching up on friends' blogs and suddenly i have an urge to say "hi" to babes.
Xmas is coming.
Keep warm where you are ok?
Call me whenever you are home again.
:)

Saw an entry on elaine's blog on weight.
I cannot say how upset i am when i saw it because that is how it was for me as well.
Only i can't have said it better.
For her, demons reside in her highschool past.
For me, the only time i felt so insanely obsessed with how "fat" i am is only with him.
Yes.
One and only him.
Because he made me feel fat and not good enough.
It didn't matter how many sorries been said, my perception has been turned.
It is like having one of those funny mirrors around whenever i am with him, i always look fat and never beautiful.
I have never felt that way with my friends because, like elaine said, they have never made me felt that way.
It is really not about how much you weight per se.
It is really the perception that others keep harping on you.
Especially people who you care about and wish would think that you are beautiful.
My parents and brothers can call me fat and i wouldn't mind as much because they are family and despite what we say, we accept each other, because like my brother said, its "blood".
Yet, despite how much i know consciously not to let what other people say interfer with the my own concept of self, he got to me nonetheless when no one else could have.

It is not fair.
Despite knowing it isn't fair and it isn't right for me to feel so bad about myself/my body image when i am with him, i still do.

Screw all you superficial people who judge people on the account of their body size!

Done with holiday and doubly tired, physically.
Emotionally and mentally felt abit more refreshed, if i might add, a little blank.
Good.
Will need a blank slate to start piling on the junk for the next half of the year.

I will write soon about tasmania!
I just need to find the time!

Golly.

My cat has grown fatter and badly needs grooming.
He is shredding tons of fur all over my room.

Started my bro on a personal blog of his very own after i found out that he was reading mine. Not sure if its a mistake but heck, its a free web world out there. Besides i thought he could build up abit on his writing skills. I bet he is doing it as a joke but hey, who knows, maybe he will finally get an outlet to vent his perpetual grievances.

A caution for anyone reading his drivels; he has this weird-ass sense of humour which even people who lived with him for 25 years has not really fathomed through. I wonder how many people he is going to offend. God knows he offended me enough times already. It has gotten so bad that i can even laugh at it without feeling the pain. But then, after knowing him for so long, i have learnt to be GRACIOUS, KIND and FORGIVING, towards his insults and humour (though it is difficult to guage _when_ exactly is HE offended). And as he liked to remind me, if it wasn't for his brand of training, i wouldn't have the PATIENCE working with children the way i am today. For that, i am eternally grateful.

Ah, the delight of being part of a strange but wonderfully interesting family. :)

Touched down on 21st dec 3.20am in T1 Changi.

My clothes smelled bad.
My hair was stringy.
My back and legs were aching.
My throat felt like saw dust.
My breath smelled bad.
My head was spinning.
My eyes were blurry.

And to top it off, it was raining cats and dogs.

Boy, am i glad to be home. :)

2 more days to go before flying home and now i am hanging around in Canberra where my brother is. I will write about my nine days in tasmania later once i have some time to look through my notes. Have stopped writing notes since i got to canberra cos' i was lazy and just wanted to relax.

So what did i do in ACT (australian capital territory)? This is already my third day here and first thing of note is that the weather is hot, hot, HOT. The sun is blazing and temp is soaring. Great if there is some beach to go to but alas, there's only the lake Burley Griffin where most of the important buildings are located around it (example, the parliament house etc). But no one swims there, except maybe some wild kangaroos.

Monday
Flew in late in monday afternoon to canberra on a twin propeller plane from sydney (A$69 from REX) and rested awhile at my brother's place before dinner and then he drove us around looking at the sights in the night. Not much of a first impression except that the city is pretty well planned and buildings/roads are spaced out so it felt quite "roomy", not that congested feeling of everything being built one on top of the other in other cities.

Tuesday
Drove about 40mins out of canberra because i wanted to visit the Tidbinbilla Nature Reserve where i read that you can see wild life such as kangaroos and koalas while trekking through the reserve. On the way there, we passed by hills and hills of dead trees which reminded me of tiny burnt out matchstick from afar. The sun was scorching hot when we reached there and then we found out that the bushfire in January 2003 killed most of the animals around the reserve as well as destroyed the flora. I have totally forgotten about that disastrous bushfire which happened around Canberra at that time. It is quite sad to see all the burnt up trees and pictures of "roasted" animals after the fires. One of the kept koalas in the reserved managed to survive but terribly scarred. Now it is renamed "Lucky" and it is being kept in a little enclosure, still trying to recuperate.

After going to the reserve, we went back to the city and went to the National Museum of Australia on the northern shore of the lake. The building itself is quite "extraordinary" and dramatic in terms of its design and used of materials (though not quite as "dramatic" as our "Durians". The exhibits themselves are quite informative and reflective. I mean, generally, being a state owned museum, i would expect a certain subtle sense of "cover-up" bits of history none to glorious yet, there was an overt attempt to not do that in this museum. Right from the start, during the "Circa" exhibit, where we sat in a rotating auditorium watching short videos centred around the themes "Nation, People and Land", the narrative or quotes were taken from real life people themselves without a sense of "censorship" being in place. There were views, both good and bad about the country which were quite frank and insightful.

Wednesday
Started off early morning to the Australian War Memorial. It is a great fortress like building filled with many amazing relics and dioramas (i.e. 3d models of war scenes) of every war that Australia has been involved in. We took more time than expected walking around the memorial as it was really massive, and i learnt alot more than i ever knew about WWI and WWII. There were also exhibits about more recent wars such as the Gulf war and there were also artworks displayed alongside the war exhibits which made the Memorial a little more different than others. Just outside the War Memorial, is the Anzac Parade, where more sculptures/memorial were placed along the road dedicated to the men and women sacrificed in the various wars.

After visiting the Memorial, we trodded quickly to the National Zoo and Aquarium as we were booked on to the ZooVenture tour at 3.30pm. Have read of the tour on the flight to Canberra and it seemed quite interesting. It was a two hour tour behind the scenes with a guide where a group of ten people had a better chance of knowing the zoo animals and feeding them. It is a little private zoo ran by an australian family. There wasn't alot of animals and functions primarily as a breeding/conservation and animal sanctuary. In fact, some of the animals there were ex-circus animals which had no place to go when the circus disbanded. We met some unusual animals such as the tigons (yes, not a spelling mistake. A tigon is a cross between a male tiger with a female lion. If vice versa, male lion and female tiger, the offspring is called a liger). These were ex-circus cats who were breed natually for novelty value (by the circus folks i guess) though interestingly enough, all male tigons are sterile, hence you can never get two tigons to mate in natural circumstances. We had a chance to feed other big cats such as the lions and tigers with chicken wings through their cages (no, we didn't actually go in the cage since they are WILD animals *duh*). We also fed a sunbear fruits with a fork and let a brown bear licked honey off our fingers (boy, were their tongues long and felt so erm.. warm and slushy). We patted dingos and had a python slither across our shoulders (felt cold and dry). The guide also explained more about each animals habits and behaviour. On the whole, it was a great experience that you don't have every day. Though the zoo was small, it was well landscaped and we could tell that the people working there really enjoying looking after the animals. Our guide knew each animal by name and they actually come when she called!

Thursday
Decided to take it easy for the day as will be flying out to Sydney the next morning. Was supposed to visit both the National Gallery of Australia as well as ScreenSound Australia which collects and preserves films and sound recordings but I was quite tired and felt sick by the time we got out at the Gallery that we decided to give ScreenSound a miss. The National Gallery is definitely bigger than SAM and the collection was quite eclectic though not comprehensive (except the australian artists).

On the whole, Canberra wasn't quite as boring as i thought it would be and there are pretty good museums around. However, the night life leaves much to be desired and like Tasmania, everything seems quiet after 5pm. Ah well, who needs a night life where there is my brother's PS2 readily available in his room? *smiles*

Goodbye to everyone
and no, i'm not going to jump out of the plane.
But miss me.
You know you want to.
*grins*

Anyone want anything from sydney or tasmania which isn't too big, too expensive or require a cage can sms me their needs.

On May 17th 2002, 12.36am..

I wrote:

"You are right, it is better when people share their problems with someone else because then, at least someone will know the reason why we jumped off the roof."

It is always good to know why, i think.

I am going on a summer holiday.

Gonna wear my shorts and bikini tops.
Gonna get a tan.
Gonna relax.
Gonna swim and hike.
Gonna drive with my shades down.
Gonna laugh with wind running through my hair.
Gonna shout at sea gulls by the beach.
Gonna sleep under the stars.

Not gonna think about the trappings of life.

Cross my fingers and wish me luck!

I am such a pig!
Been pigging out at lunch since the holiday started though i tried to make up for it by skipping dinners. Not sure if that's the best thing to do because it makes me feel like having suppers!

Grrrrr.

Why doesn't guys have problem with going on diets and maintaining weight?!
I'd bet it is because even pretty young jap girls would marry big fat sumo wrestlers despite their size yet i have not seen roseanne barr keeping a man for long.

Anyway ladies, if any man dares to tell you you need to lose weight in your face, give them a boot in their ass and tell them that alice says "up yours".

Hrumph.

:)

I don't usually curse... or apologize.
And i am doing quite well, thank you.

Realization no. 55:

Where the fuck are my traffic lights when i need them?

I am thinking about traffic lights.
How we all have them in our lives.
Some called it their conscience, others called it morals.
I think traffic lights suit me just fine.

Red means no.
Green means yes.
Amber means maybe.

How complicated can it be?

I think traffic lights are there to keep everyone in their place.
Of course whether or not you decide to chiong the red light will be your choice.

Look. Its flashing amber.
Don't cross the line now, it will be red soon.
My life is a whole series of flashing amber.

Was talking about blogs and i wondered if my blog has been filled with...

"duh
duh
duh
duh
awwwww...
duh
duh"

moments...

Heck. The ego in me is now worried.

Sorted out the internal flights and car rental.
Can at last relax a little.

Was just thinking about the Body Worlds exhibition again.

I don't think that i am uncomfortable with the fact that i am looking at dead bodies.
Nor am i disgusted or afraid.
I just find it difficult to reconcile within myself that human bodies, once alive, are now just "plastic-fied" objects.
While i can understand and even perhaps admire their contribution to science and learning and even trust that they have been treated with respect upon their death by the scientists which made all this preservation possible, I just cannot view each individual body, bones, organs, nerves, veins, brain, muscles and various other body parts singularly, without first thinking about who these people are, where do they come from, what did they do, what memories do they have, who are their families and how did they die.

Simply put, i can't bring myself to look at the body solely as a physical object without thinking about the "humanity" it encases.
The memories.
The personality.
Or, the soul.

It is just me and my inability to compartmentalize the individual parts.
I don't think that i am afraid of physical death per se.
I am just afraid of the loss of the intangible and unique part of men, like memories.

Finally finished with the camp on friday after a very exhasting two days. Went home and slept and slept till dinner time. Saturday morning had to go to buy my dog and cat's pet food and litter box sand before meeting him and going to a friend's art exhibition. Picked up a really cool manual/auto camera (nikon em, made in 1979) secondhand for $100 from at the exhibition. My friend is a camera freak and owns so many that he doesn't even know how many he had and was clearing away some "stock". It is a real bargain and i finally have my own manual camera to play with, other than fooling around with his dad's old minolta. My new "old" camera is pretty compact and come with a spot meter (i hope i am not mucking up the terms). I am going to start learning photography next!! My friend even threw in 2 type of lens for me. Ok, i am really not sure of my terms now, but one is sort of fixed (no zoom) while the other is a 80-200 zoom lens (well, just means every things look really close up and could be more so when you zoom in). He said he is going to get me a lens that is sort of the in between range later. :)